Selected Journal Entries

Nicole Ponsler

08/10/2008

Page One

8.26.’08

I’ve been reading, sketching and processing in addition to cleaning the studio which has taken on the appearance of Frances Bacon’s disaster of a work space.

I’ve in negotiations with LexArts re: the mural panels, which has been like pulling teeth. I’m not quite sure what’s hindering communications with them. I just know that they are wasting my time. I’ve been really rethinking my approach to mural production. I’ve been looking at Angela Ellsworth’s Flexible Detection of Sound project while thinking about Susan’s approach to public art. I want to create murals that are relevant to my own interests and that take a more innovative approach to community involvement. I love the concept of multiple artists simultaneously responding to the same theme without verbal communication. I’m intrigued by the idea of creating a large scale mural in a day while the audience interacts with the artists and watches the process evolve in front of them. The Flexible Detection of Sound project took place at an all-day Jazz and Blues Festival during which five student-artists created a mural that responded to the music that they heard. The artists were not allowed to communicate with one another and they each drew for up to 12 hours in one setting. All the while, audience members were watching the development of the mural in real time.

8.27.’08

I’m reading Trauma and Recovery which is taking me forever to get through because each page is filled with valuable insight. I am particularly intrigued by the notion of the three psychological responses to trauma: HYPERAROUSAL, INTRUSION AND CONSTRICTION. The description of the responses elicited imagery I hope to incorporate into my painting. I can relate to dissociation and fragmented thinking/memory….feel like that’s how my brain is permanently wired. I’m reworking the Nori painting to include visual reference to this notion of fragmentation.

8.29.’08

I just got off of the phone with the VA in hopes of getting dad into a long-term facility (advanced stages of Alzheimer’s). Beurocratic nonsense for those who served…

Today, I’m taking a much needed respite at the river with books, including the biography of Eva Hesse by Lippard. Hesse’s story of fleeing Nazi Germany reminded me so much of my friend textile artist, Jacquetta Nisbett and how she came to live in the US. They both were sent from Europe during the war. As small children, they were put on a ship to be transported half way around the world in an effort to salvage the younger generation. Neither Hesse nor Jacquetta had adults with them during their journey. Neither knew exactly where they were headed or with whom they would be staying once the arrived. Neither knew how long they would be separated form their families or if they would be able to return home once the war had ended. In Eva’s case, much of her family perished in concentration camps, along with her beloved mother.

I found myself particularly drawn to the early stage of Hesse’s career when she constantly second-guessed her work, her ideas and her place in a male-dominated oeuvre. Hesse was successful when she took chances, when she went out on a limb, listened to her heart and began creating sculpture. The great lesson I take away from this book can be summed up with a response from Sol DeWitt to Hesse’s painting insecurities. De Witt writes, “Just stop thinking, worrying, looking over your shoulder, wondering, doubting, fearing, hurting, hoping for some easy way out, struggling, gasping, confusing, itching scratching, mumbling, bumbling, grumbling, humbling stumbling, rumbling, rambling, gambling, tumbling, scumbling, scrambling, hitching, hatching, bitching, moaning, groaning, honing, moaning, boning, horse-shitting, hair-splitting, nit-picking, piss-trickling, nose-sticking, ass-gouging, eyeball-poking, finger pointing, alleyway-sneaking, long waiting, small stepping, evil-eyeing, back-scratching, searching, perching, besmirching, grinding, grinding, grinding away at yourself. Stop it and just DO”. This idea harkens back to a comment I wrote down early in the fall residency by a fellow G1 student who said, “Don’t try to make the work while deconstructing and justifying it…the two are separate processes”. I am endeavoring to institute this philosophy in my own work by allowing myself to make paintings that are free of worry about other people’s expectations. I am allowing these two years of graduate work to open up my process, make room for “bad painting”, all the while having fun exploring new directions.

8.30.’08

I wish I were in Denver. How can we not win this election? I swear, that man can do no wrong in my eyes.

9.01.’08

I’m thinking about a course in Art History addressing women’s response to trauma through art beginning with Artemesia Gentileschi, leading up to contemporary women’s voices. Artemeisa arguably fought and won the first rape trial in legal history during the 16^th century. She accused her former mentor of rape at a time when women were not even allowed to think of themselves as painters. She had to hide her work and show under a pseudonym. I find this funny because her paintings are so clearly created from a woman’s perspective. The theme of Judith and Holofernes, which had been painted many times by men such as Titian, Tintoretto, etc., was presented from a whole new perspective when Artemesia addressed the topic. Her Judith aggressively severs the head of Holofernes while her maid assists in the attack. In previous canvases addressing this theme, male painters present a Judith who timidly, almost by accident, attempts to delicately remove the head of Holofernes. In this scenario, her maid usually acts as look-out while Judith commits the deed. Similarly, male painters usually depicted the murder scene in pristine condition, void of the gore one would expect from a decapitation. Not Artemesia…oh no. She chooses to paint blood spatter and blood-stained sheets as added gore. I don’t know how I got off on this topic. Artemesia’s always been a heroine of mine.

9.3.’08

LexArts nonchalantly removed $3000 off of the top of all muralists’ contracted allowance, in order to cover PR/documentation fees that were never previously outlined or discussed. We are all standing united in our refusal to complete the project under these terms. I am awaiting word that they have found the money elsewhere and that I may begin actually painting this mural that has been in the works for 6+ months. Grrrrrr.

I met with the mayor, etc. re: pebble stone mosaic today. We hashed out volunteer plans, discussed infrastructure needs, hired a contractor and began eliciting volunteer support. I hung fliers detailing the project and requesting volunteer participation. I talked to the Charter School about how their students will be involved. I prepared a preliminary workshop for the project and secured a space where community members can meet to discuss these plans. I decided to do away with the whole stone carrying idea. I found a liason to the Pomo community who has experience coupling native people with projects, funding, etc. I met with her (Rose) and we discussed how to best integrate this project with the Pomo community.

9.4.’08

We started receiving calls of interested volunteers for the PSM project. I located a former student who is native to work with me closely for the duration of the project. She has hopes of attending SFAI next year. Love that kid!

RNC…uugghh…Sara freakin’ Palin…uugghh.

Woke from a dream where a former student refused to give me a ride somewhere when I was stranded. I yelled at her, saying that I had done so much for her and this is how she pays me back? I think this is probably anxiety due to the anticipation of working w/youth again after a long hiatus. I find teaching HS aged students rewarding only after a few years of reflection.

Just found out that my former student who is the youngest person ever in Mendocino County to be tried as an adult for murder (14) has been offered a plea of 15 years to life. He’s already been in jail awaiting trial for the past two years. I communicate with him all the time through mail. I have loads of guilt about this kid and wonder if I’ll ever shake it. Please dear god/dess please do not allow this kid to go to adult prison for the rest of his life.

www.justiceformarcos.com

9.07.’08

I nearly finished Sherman Alexie’s newest novel. Words cannot express my love for this man who I had the great pleasure of meeting years ago. His description of life on the res fits so closely with that of what I’ve been able to glean from my native students. He talks about how much more understanding and tolerant native people used to be generations ago before their adoption of white people’s prejudices like homophobia, racism, etc. He also discusses the notion of fighting in res life-how prevalent it is and how a fight between two boys always seems to grow to include the families and friends of those involved. Similarly, Alexie details the closeness that exists between native families. All this seems so relevant to the trail of my former student. I sent him the book.

9.08.’08

I listened to interview with David Lovelace, author of Scatter Shot, while driving to the 1^st day of murder trial for my previously mentioned former student. The book is a memoir of a family dealing with bipolarity and how creativity is both a product of the disorder, as well as a product of its symptoms, particularly during the hypo-manic state.

Sat through the terrible presentation of defense and prosecution summary. Marcos smiled when he saw us there. Everything seems like a terrible reminder that this kid is still a kid. I do not have a good feeling about the outcome. Marcos’ mother told me that this is just more of the same for her people. I cannot argue with that assessment.